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The Human Touch Blog ~
David Farrant

Stock In Trade

"This beats clubbing!"

So what really happened?

Well the story (the true story) is that in April 2005 a group of us gathered at Barbara Green’s home in Brighouse, West Yorkshire to investigate ghost cases in the area and reputedly haunted Robin Hood’s grave. The group consisted of Gareth, Drew, the Yorkshire Pudding, Barbara and myself.  We conducted a ‘blessing ceremony’ at Robin Hood’s grave one night, although I’ll skip that here as that’s not the point of this story.

But high above the secluded grave-site lay Hartstead Church where stories of a ghostly phenomenon also abounded.  I believe ‘it’ had been reported in the churchyard where, interestingly, and ancient Yew tree had been split in two by lightening

The area was deserted, but on the other side of the road was a ‘working’ medieval stocks – presumably for people who might have misbehaved in church for there was no other outward sign of human habitation or older settlememts.

Anyway, Gareth’s heart leapt for joy and he insisted in ‘trying them out’ to ‘get the feel of them’.  Well, we all helped secure him and then . . . disaster!  The stocks somehow locked shut and we couldn’t get him free.  Not that Gareth minded.  “Just take your time”,  he said patiently.  So we did, and got some photographs!

We eventually got him out but as we walked back to the car, Gareth kept looking back longingly.  It was almost as if he couldn’t bear to leave them!

In retrospect, it did seem rather a shame to leave them.  I’ve often regretted not having put the Yorkshire Pudding in them . . . and left her there!



15 responses

  1. Funny photograph, clever title, humourous story, and witty ending! What are you trying to do here, put my blog out of business?

  2. Well he is another Bonky hiding behind an alias, and not even a human one at that, so as we all know paws can’t work computer keyboards, he must be a human bean who darent admit his name–just like Bonky in fact! And saying he is John Baldrys long deceased ( from old age) cat isnt very amusing either as presumably its intended to be!

  3. Well, your felineship, shows how much you know and have bothered to look at. For years I have had Lady Armytage and the Caldrdale Cap Doffers as an Arch Enemy and if you bothered to read about the situation you would find out lots of interesting stuff–ex nanny, German, second wife, inherited the estate and so on.
    Then we come to the Chief Cap-Doffers–David Norcliffe her Grand Vizior and famed historian David Hepworth and his pal the mysterious German relative Christian Hohenzollern, making or promoting special Kondoms at Kirklees to stop the spread of AIDS.
    What more can I possibly want in a cast of dickipoggy characters ?
    Have you been asleep or what???
    Dont forget Bonky slarmed up to ma’am even though he trespassed–well if he actually made the trip he said he did which is in considerable doubt—but he is hoist with his own petard there! The one person who really got to the heart of the matter was Ian Gomech whatever dickipogginess he has comitted or not–he struck at the heart of the matter and told it as it was–and his comments disappeared pretty quick. though i kept copies—and Colin Hamer who caused some strange goings on three years ago.
    Want more dickipoggy because there’s plenty more!

  4. Well I am sorry re: my remarks about Robin Hood, Barbara. Of course “boring” is only my personal opinion.
    But- you might try finding an Arch Enemy for your tale to spice things up. The best type of Arch is one with a costume and a gimmick (e.g. The Sargeant, The Reaper, etc.) “Bonky is a great example, but he happens to be David’s Arch, so he is taken. A good Arch keeps your name in the public eye by constantly complaining about you. You clash, you both write books, and who knows, you both become famous. And as fame finds you, look to David Farrant as an example of one who responds to satirisation with grace and tolerance…

  5. Yes but they’re not doing a very good job of it, are they? I don’t see any pictoral web sites devoted to attacking you such as Bonky has done for David. I don’t see them following you round the internet posting rants against you. I don’t see any portraits of you as a demon they’ve spent hours painting. Etc. Etc. Etc. You need to get these people cracking.

  6. Well cat they did a good job on themselves via the web a few years ago, by their stuck up goings on, but alas you are right–they need to be more pro-active like our Bonky and they aint daft enough to act like him. In fact all that Bonky did did me lots of favours bringing dickipoggy publicity as they would not act honoroably just stuck to their “prvileged” status and the cap doffing brigade who sucked up to them. The Kirklees Vampire-in the circumstances, was the best thing Bonky did. You have given me food for thought, but its a pity that the Robin Hood Yorkshire Murder story isnt good enough in its own right. But I am sure there is dickipoggy going on behind the tourism scenes with Notts–thats what Baftaboy told me anyhow, its a lot bigger than Lady Armytages whims and fancies though they all kow towed to her as well–for no good reason as we know, as she was a mere Lady Diana–and not even lady actually—-au pair got lucky during the war—but English are stupid over “royALTY”.

  7. Barbara, here’s a few ideas for you. (Don’t say I never gave you anything!)
    -Since Lady Armytage is dead, how about having her “ghost” threaten you from beyond the grave?
    -How about having Hohenzollern claim you sent him a “kondom” in the post? Scandal, lawsuits, etc.
    -What if the German Nanny has a “secret past” as a Nazi prison camp matron? “Threatened with exposure, she’ll stop at nothing to silence our heroine”. Or something like that.
    -Robin Hood himself could appear to you in a dream urging you to set the record right. Then you could compose a song about him and sell it on CD. (Oh wait a minute, that one’s been done)

  8. Well fair enough David–I presume you knwo who the cat actually is–its tiresome and not particularly amusing. Cat could do something useful and make a story out of some very good amterial I have given him–the German au pair, the Konson Kuple, and Robin Hood mixed in. Better than some of the stuff he’s put up lately whih is neither here nor there. Even that daft thing over me and the cat wasnt funny, though I would say that wouldnt I? And I think Kat didnt like Robin Hood cos he doesnt know the whole dickipoggy story, its just as dickipoggy as Highgate, though pity Bonky didnt manage to make such a big thing of it as Highgate–though he got it into the Tabloids and gave miladay a dickipoggy tantrum! Though he tried to make out he didnt afterwards!

  9. Listen, Barbara and Cat,
    I have an idea. Why don’t you two make friends?!?! Seriously. I know you will never be ‘busom [I just love that word!] buddies’, but isn’t it enough to have to fight the external evil of the Anti-Christ, without all this internal squabbling?!
    Cat don’t like Robin Hood. Okay. But he’s got no time for ‘vampires’ either!
    Barbara don’t like his name, but I have already explained that is partly in fun due to untrue stories Bonky was spreading about the late Pop singer Long John Baldry.
    Really, there’s not much to argue about really!
    Well, I’m not ‘arguing’ – just caught in the middle I suppose.
    Just a thought,
    For now,

  10. -“Why don’t you two make friends?!?!”
    – “Cat, make a story out of some very good material I have given him–the German au pair, the Konson Kuple, and Robin Hood mixed in.”
    David swore he was going to “pay me back” for the “Women Of The World” article.
    With this latest, I think he has!!!

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1946 - 2019




From the vaults ...

A flashback to one of David’s comedic, profound or quizzical blog entries. Dive into the archives to find more gems. 

Fathers Day

I have been very lazy recently; but I guess some people must be getting fed up with my excuses for doing late Blogs. The truth