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The Human Touch Blog ~
David Farrant

Marketed In Tokyo ?!

Well it has finally arrived!  The proposed new cover for the new Japanese  “Bishop Bonkers” comic book which has proved so popular in the UK and America (and Canada come to that).  The publishing company even sent a draught contract; although that is obviously subject of some detailed negotiation..

The Director, Yoshi, has assured me that the comic books will be marketed in Tokyo as early as the end of the year if all parties are agreeable. Indeed, the copyright owner Cecil Lamont Dwiggins, seems all for the Japanese proposal. Dwiggins is still in the U.S., where he has been living incognito since 2007 when a S.W.A.T. team of sockpuppets was charged with the task of hunting him down and exposing him as a ‘bandwagoneer and Satanic interloper’. But he still keeps in touch, and Skype’d me only this afternoon from his Le Corbusier conceived skyscraper apartment on the West Coast.

It seems that Cecil’s artistic temperament has been inflamed by the recent attention from Japan, as he has announced that he is working on a third installment of his famous comic series. When Cecil gets going on a new project he often works through the night, fuelled only by gallons of black coffee and endless packets of imported Gauloises cigarettes. In fact when I spoke with him today he had been working on the comic for 49 hours straight, and seemed somewhat like a man possessed. But who am I to judge an artist’s methods when he produces such excellent results?

Cecil wouldn’t give too much away about the third comic, except to say that there would be the introduction of some new controversial characters, all of whom have played a vital part in the blossoming career of Old Bonky. I can tell you that one of these will be “Comrade Kev”, who is convinced (correctly in a sense) about the existence of “The Dubai Vampire” – and “Br Spliff-on-Sea” who is dispatched from his North Wales home to dispatch the fanged beast and return with some unconvincing Polaroid snaps of its rapid decomposition which will prove (despite no Kodak testing) to the world that vampires really do exist.  Will Br Spliff-on-Sea get promoted within the Church of Bonky for his efforts if he returns with his trophy? Will he track down ‘fugitive from justice’ Comrade Kev and give him a good dressing down and deliver him his excommunication papers? Will Sister Sanctimonious bake him enough hash cake to last him on his mission? Will he get through customs when he gets to the United Arab Emirates? Will he end up on ‘Banged Up Abroad’?

Which brings us to the mad ‘Egghead’ (who acquired this nickname because of his shiny bald head and NOT his love of birds nests), who, determined to get more pats on the head than Br Spliffage, is plotting the thwarting of his rival in order to remain second lieutenant in the Church of Bonky. Well, it will all be exposed soon in the third volume of Cecil’s comic. But in the meantime, I suppose the Japanese will have plenty of time to familiarize themselves with the first two best sellers.

And on that note, I shall close with a reminder of some of the real life events which inspired Cecil to create the first comic back in 2007.


Bishop Bonkers Identifies Farrant as UFO-Conjuring Witch

The small seaside community of Bournemouth is still rocking from what dozens of witnesses claim were “mysterious lights” seen over their skies in June of 2007. A team of experts from the British Occult Ley Line Organisation & Xylophonists headed by Dr. Roger Carp arrived last week to examine the evidence and interview witnesses.

Dr. Carp said, “B.O.L.L.O.X. is devoted to discovering the truth of these disturbing reports”. To this end, his team spent days interviewing active Bournemouth citizen and spunky prelate of the Olde Catholic sect, Bishop Bonkers, who claims he was targeted by the alien visitations. “The interesting thing is,” says Carp, “we found that according to eyewitnesses reports, the mysterious lights were indeed seen travelling east to west in a direction precisely in line with the Bishop’s cottage”.
Bishop Bonkers, a local “character” of some repute, is recalled by many as author of the poorly-received “LowGate Vampire” series of self-published books detailing the evil misdeeds of blood-sucking vampires, giant spiders, and brain-robbing zombies.

However, Carp does not scoff at the Bishop’s notion that the UFO visitations intended to disturb him were the work of a notorious Mushill Well “witch”. “Frankly, science doesn’t understand how the universe works,” admits Carp, “and it is entirely possible that a witch could be using little-understood psychokinetic powers to ‘conjure up’ lights in the sky”.

Carp’s team will continue their work through the winter season, although he complains that “the Bishop insists all interviews be conducted in his outside loo” as “that is the one place he feels he is safe from alien abduction”.



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1946 - 2019




From the vaults ...

A flashback to one of David’s comedic, profound or quizzical blog entries. Dive into the archives to find more gems.